The Duke Diaries
by Pickzee
Summary: Duke Roger's secret diary with all his plots to steal the throne...
1. Chapter One

How to Win Friends, Influence People and Steal the Throne aka The Secret Diaries of Duke Roger of Cont`e  
  
From the desk of the late Duke Roger of Cont`e:  
  
April 30th through May 5th 420 H.E.  
  
~  
  
April 30th Year 420 H.E. (Human Era)  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Today I shall begin my plan to steal my uncle's throne in ernest. I shall try to first do away with my cousin Jonathan. No one would suspect any plots to kill a not even ten year old prince by his cousin, so I shall strike there. I will come to the palace under the pretense of teaching the young prince how to ride a horse. I will tack the pony and plant a burr under the saddle so the second Jonathan gets on he shall be off again and hopefully be trampled by the pony.  
  
Your Evil-Highness, Duke (Soon King) Roger of Cont`e  
  
~  
  
May 1st Year 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Damn the palace hostlers. Damn them, damn them damn them. When I got to the palace there stood Jonathan in the practice yards holding his pony's reins. I couldn't very well slip the burr under the tack then, so I shall bide my time and build up everyone's trust until I have them eating out of the palm of my hand and then I shall strike again... A stampede maybe? Yes that would work well. But how to pull it off?  
  
Your Temporarily-But-Not-For-Long-Defeated-Evil-Highness, Duke Rodger of Cont`e  
  
~  
  
May 3th Year 420 H.E. (That seems an awful lot like hehe doesn't it? Memo To Self: Must remember to use the era abreviation as an evil chuckle...)  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Have figured out plan for stampede. Is as follows:  
  
1. Recruit gullible stableboys  
  
2. Instruct them in their jobs  
  
3. Run away to Carthak and pretend to be studying there  
  
4. Magically signal stable boys to start stampede when Jonathan enters the field to retrieve his pony  
  
5. Come to funeral  
  
Perfect is it not? Now all I need to do is plan my wardrobe for the funeral... The black tunic with purple hose and shirt? No, too "I'm going to be King of Tortall in five years" for my soon to be late cousin's funeral. No red, that would be too incriminating. Black hose, black tunic and midnight blue shirt? Yes! I have my evil outfit. Now I must go see to recruiting some disillusioned possible stable boys from the Corus slums who will do anything for money.  
  
Your Soon-To-Be-Evil-Highness, Duke (soon to be Evil Emperor) Roger of Cont`e  
  
~  
  
May 5th 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I hate the slums. Too many theives, beggers, and hookers. Especially the hookers. I mean I don't swing that way, I never have and have all those prostitutes hanging all over me, it was horrible. I gave them a coin so they would just go away and they thought I wanted to get laid by them. Then the rest of my money was stolen by some thieves, who were in my opinion very handsome for all their thievery. Without my purse I was not able to make any bribes to convince those waifs to help me in my plot. Suprisingly though I did get a few wretches to complyand they shall be coming to the palace tommorrow at nine-o'clock to recieve their instructions, negotiate pay and to tell me where to send their pay. But it is horrible! My favorite tunic, which happens to be my most expensive, was ruined when a flithy begger who looked like he had just rolled in horse dung grabbed it and split the seam. Now my sapphire, silver and black velvet tunic is all muddy and ripped up the side. Even if I send this one to the tailor's for repair it will only be good for fencing pratice and other endevors where one gets all sweaty and dirty. So now I must go toUpper Corus and see if I can find some what suitable replacement although I do not think it is very likely.  
  
Your Disguisted-As-Well-As-Dirty-Soon-To-Be-Evil-Highness Duke (I will be King I really will) Roger of Cont`e  
  
A/N- I needed a comedic release. A really big comedic release. I will continue if you want me to, I'll even make the next chapter a lot longer. I will try to get up the next chapter of The Traitors in our Midst but I'm at a bit of a metal/writer's block. Maybe some reviews would help. For either this or Traitors. Thank you very much. 


	2. Chapter Two

How to Win Friends, Influence People and Steal the Throne aka The Secret Diaries of Duke Roger of Conté aka The Duke Diaries  
  
~  
  
A/N: I am so incrediblely sorry. I grovel before thee! Long story short I have been at a high injury/illness level not particularly conductive to writing and when I was I was working on original pieces for my website *cough* go visit it! *cough*. I am I mean, horrid person... I think I actually forgot about this story between getting my front tooth knocked out and getting various needles stuck in me to see exactly what I had (it was viral menegitis). But the nice ER nurses generally frown upon tthe use of laptops when you are in the emergency room severely dehydrated, curled in the fetal position, and whimpering with pain. I think they frown upon it anyway, something about laptops causing some previously unheard of cancer. Plus missing over a month of school gives you LOADS of make-up work.  
  
This story was called brilliant! I really can't believe it! I was called brilliant! Anyway thanks for the tip on how to do the accented e but I'm on a iBook and it doesn't have a number pad so I can't use it, I've used the alt/number pad tricks millions on my family PC but I can't use it on my computer. Thanks because I looked it up in help and I found how to do it. I love you .  
  
I just realized how many years I have to go through... Good God! Especially if I do after his first death...  
  
Read my other fic, The Traitors in Our Midst if you feel like being kind to me. It has a more serious note to it; a pregnant, captured behind enemy lines and quasi-suicidal Kel, a lost Dom and psychotic warlord. What else could you want? Okay shameless self-promotion over. Actually don't, I haven't posted it for about six months...  
  
Disclaimer: Shit! I forgot to put this in last time! Whoops! I own nothing, got it? Nothing. I wish I owned George though...  
  
~  
  
From the desk of the late Duke Roger of Conté:  
  
May 6th through May 12th 420 H.E.  
  
~  
  
May 6th 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Negotiations with the waifs went better than I expected. They agreed to do it for only one gold noble apiece, a much better bargain than I expected. I shall depart from Corus to Carthak in two days saying one of my old teachers requested assistance with a magical experiment and they need my presence as soon as possible. Then after several days in Carthak to keep suspicion away from my most cunning self I shall signal the urchins to do their jobs.  
  
Tunic Update: I was unable to find a tunic of comparable style and quality to replace the one that was ruined by the beggar man yesterday. Carthak should have a good selection, maybe I could even get Orzone to help me pick out a suitable replacement. But considering he just had his coronation ceremony three months ago he probably will not have any time to spare for me this visit, I'll just have to wait for him to have all of his realms under his grasp before I go to him for fashion advice.  
  
Your Soon-To-Be-Evil-Majesty,  
  
Duke (I will be King dammit!) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 8th 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I announced my departure from Court today and I think that the response went rather well, all things considered. Of course all the women sobbed, sad to see my handsome figure leave and the men were sad to see my wit and brilliance go, but I assured them that my trip would not be a long one and before they realized I was gone, I would be back again. I began to pack my bags so that I would be ready to leave when that time came. Now the loss of my tunic weighs most heavily on me because I was planning on wearing it to my presentation at court. When I spoke to Orzone through the fire about my arrival he said that I may stay in the royal palace and I am allowed full access to all of the university's resources. I must finish writing now, it is time for my departure. I can't be late.  
  
Your Most Royal Evil Majesty,  
  
Duke (I'm gonna be king, I'm gonna be king...) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 10th 420 HE  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Learned many vital bits of information for when I become king. First thing I shall do upon attaining my new position is to make a treaty with Orzone. Orzone is a very power hungry ruler, he plans to conquer as much of the known world as humanly possible. Rather than falling prey to his plot I shall make a treaty with him and help him conquer as much of the known world as humanly possible. Second thing I must do as ruler is either marry some harlot, get her with child then forget she exists after claiming the child; or adopt. Right now adoption seems to be the better choice but I do not believe that the Tortallans would like a heir from a line other than mine, which has such beauty, grace, cunning and suavity.  
  
I was lucky, for when my room was assigned I was placed in the royal wing, just down the hall from Orzone. We will have a good deal to catch up on and much scheming to do if we plan to take joint control of the Eastern Lands.  
  
Tunic Update: I have been given a beautiful tunic that is almost identical to my old one by Orzone but he demands that it is returned to him by the end of my visit for it was expensive and it is his favorite. It is great that I have such caring friends.  
  
The Soon To Be Royal Big Bad,  
  
Duke (will be legally changed to King soon) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 12th 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I have given off the signal. As of yet there has been no reply. Am hoping this means the little princeling is dead and everyone is grieving so much that they have not bothered to tell me. Will wait patiently by fire for a message.  
  
The Bored and Anxious Future King,  
  
Duke (I can feel it, I will be king!) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 12th (11 o'clock at night) 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Have had no reply from Corus. I fear that my plan did not follow the plan I planned, as planned. What if the annoying prig of a prince is still alive? I will check in on the palace through the fire now.  
  
Pissed Off Will Be King,  
  
Duke (will... be... king...) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 12th (yes, even later) 420 H.E.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
The prince is alive and well. the stampede missed him by a mile. Am going to go sulk now. I wonder if I should take a break from being evil... NAH!  
  
Sulking, sad, and defeated will be King,  
  
Duke (must... be... king...) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
May 13th  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Although I decided not to give up upon the most worthy cause of my stealing the throne I have decided to put my evil plots on hiatus, as my luck seems to be rather, unlucky. Perhaps, I should just let my ideas stew for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and that rot.  
  
A rather tired sleepy and dejected soon-to-be King,  
  
Duke (my day will come) Roger of Conté  
  
~  
  
A/N: Thus ends another installment of the Duke Diaries... I hope you enjoyed the show. Will try to hurry up the next chapter... 


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